Mindtrap

The pimples in the mirror

2010-06-21T21:47:00.014+03:00

You can see your pimples in the mirror.

You do not like how your face looks.

You start to wipe clean the mirror, to make the pimples in your reflection disappear.

They have to disappear.

Why won't they disappear?

You receive that which you offer, with no exception.

You can see yourself when you receive.

And when it hurts... surprise!

Who are you blaming?

You cannot pretend any more.

You are the cause.

It's you who did this, it's your mind that conceived it.

Did you think it will not happen?

There is so much power inside of you!

How are you using it?

The world is something happening TO you. Are you that sure?

You feel your soul emptied.

It burns, it asks, it needs.

It's yelling at you, driving you insane.

You want to run, to stop hearing it, to stop feeling.

You want it all to be over.

You are not responsible!

It is not your fault!

You want to believe that you did not know.

You are desperately trying to believe that the world is happening to you, that you are not causing anything.

But it's too late.

To cover that fire within, you can try and take as much as you want from this world.

But when will you realize?

You are here to give, not to get.

Thoughts on love and marriage

2010-04-12T15:12:00.008+03:00

Here is a snippet of what OSHO had said about love and marriage:

In a better, more intelligent world, people will love, but will not make any contracts.

It is not a business!

They will understand each other, and they will understand the changing flux of life.

They will be true to each other.

The moment the man feels that now his beloved holds no joy for him, he will say that the time has come to part.

There is no need for marriage, there is no need for divorce.

Then friendship will be possible.

You ask me why friendship is not possible between men and women....

Friendship is not possible between the jailer and the imprisoned.

And men and women either become husbands and wives -- which is something absolutely ugly; they start owning each other....

People are not things, you cannot have ownership

And if you give full freedom to each other, perhaps you can remain together for your whole life, or for the whole eternity, because there is no need to get rid of each other.

Marriage creates the need to get rid of each other, because it means freedom is taken away -- and freedom is the highest value in human life.

"It is freedom between us, not a marriage license. Out of freedom we meet, with no promises for the future -- because who knows the future?"

Love is of the heart; marriage is of the mind.

Marriage should be transcended; only then real marriage happens.

Marriage should be forgotten completely.

In fact the other person you have been in love with should always remain a stranger and never should be taken for granted.

When two persons live as strangers, there is a beauty to it, a very simple, innocent beauty to it.

And when you live with somebody as a stranger....

Remember the sacredness and holiness of the other.

Never impinge on it; never trespass it.

A lover is always hesitant.

He always gives you space to be yourself.

He is grateful; he never feels that you are his possession.

He is thankful that sometimes in rare moments you allow him your innermost shrine to enter and to be with you.

He is always thankful.

Not enough time

2010-01-31T22:08:00.022+02:00

I found this angelic voice singing the right song to my ears.

I was caught in a trance just listening and now I share this with you

Plus, the video has a pretty picture.

Cosmic Gate & Emma Hewitt - Not enough time

With their wicked words they'll try to hold you down
No this is not our fate; the lives in which they are bound
And there is something more we know it has to be found
I know the world won't wait, the tide is turning around...

And there’s not enough time…

With all their wicked words they’ll never hold you down
No this is not our fate; the tide is turning around

No there’s not enough time…

In the fallout of the wasted, in the halflight
I stand before you in the last dance of an old life…
Now the cool wind’s blowing and we can’t stay, but it’s alright…
When the night is gone I will still be here…

No there’s not enough time…

The beautiful music of the Andes

2009-07-07T12:05:00.451+03:00

2 years ago I started running repeatedly into some unusual people, on the central streets of Cluj Napoca. They were wearing a sort of national outfits, very colorful and definitely not from around these parts. And they were singing. They were native-Americans. They had flutes and their voices. And their singing was astonishing. Very heart touching. It was totally different from what I was usually hearing on the radio or in the clubs. About the third time I'd met them and heard them sing, I decided to buy a CD from them. I got home, and started listening. Their music got to me. I think that for about the one following month, it was the music I most listened to.

Alborada from Peru

I started searching for some more similar music on the internet, but found very little of it. Telling a friend about this, he soon gave me his CD with Indian music. On it, I found a song that I really liked. But there were no names written on the case. The song was instrumental, so looking for lyrics online was impossible. What was so great about that song anyway? Every time I listened to it, it seemed new, fresh, and awesome. Even after one month. And even today. Well, long story short, for 2 years I had it in my computer under the name 01 Track 1 Unknown Artist and I could not find out its name.

A few days ago, I stumbled upon it, after only 2 years... (thank you, YouTube). So, I'm finally sharing it. The song is called The Dreams of the Wind. Well.. actually it's Wayrapa Muspuynin, but the English translation sounds far better.

Frankly, I'm in love with this song, ever since I heard it for the first time. When I'm listening to it, I always find myself at peace. It's said that music is next to silence.

In that moment I discover the deep calm that exists inside each of us, and the feeling that arises from it: knowing that everything is alright and is going to be alright.

It's the knowing that no matter what had happened up until now, everything is as it should be. And It can never be otherwise.

It's not the song that brings peace to me. That peace is already in there, and always has been. I was just not paying attention to it.

I encourage anybody who liked this song to look for more from Alborada. I also recommend White Buffalo, The Song of The Sun and Kabra Ñawy

Later Edit: Five Spirits is another powerful song I found. The artwork is from this website.

Perspective

2009-06-16T11:35:00.065+03:00

A human being is a part of a whole, called by us ‘universe’, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest… a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.

– Albert Einstein –

I saw this quote on a friend's blog (thank you, Francisco), and it clicked with something that was floating around in my head for a while. It is going to be weird, but here it goes:

We are never able to know what is actually real.

Instead, we are only able to perceive it.

The difference is huge. There is one guy that explains it very well, so check out the video embedded in this post.

Every one of us has only a perspective of the world, which is not the real, nor the wrong one. It is just that - a perspective. The only problem is that we run around trying to prove that our perspective is that which is real.

Too often, we allow others to tell us which is the right one for us.

I think Einstein had "seen" something beyond the mental constructs of his (and our) time.

I wonder if he managed to escape the mental prison he was talking about, even for 5 seconds. But I'd better stop here. I know it's a very weird thing to talk about.

musicatalyst

2009-06-09T22:22:00.068+03:00

One of the great things that makes life more beautiful is music.
And it is so because it goes right to the heart and intensifies what I feel at times.

When I'm just a bit happy, I can use my special play list to amplify what I feel.
There are some tracks that just boost the joy inside of me to immense dimensions.

Also when I feel down, there are some that intensify.. actually make me more aware of what I actually feel inside.

My intention is to become better at feeling, instead of always trying to feel better. What I have found out for myself, is that if I allow myself to feel all emotions equally, my life automatically becomes more balanced, not to say more interesting.

But the thing is that there are many suppressed emotions deep inside of me, that cannot reach the surface that easily. I want to integrate them, meaning allowing myself to feel them until they pass. By doing so, I decrease their charge, and they start having a lesser effect over my decisions in everyday life.

But because I've suppressed them for so much time, it's hard now for me to bring them now into my conscious attention. There has to be a catalyst of some sort.

Here is where music plays its part. There are some tracks that just have the right lyrics, beat, and rhythm for me to bring those long suppressed emotions out. And once they come out... it's not easy. Sometimes I cannot even name exactly how I feel. But I choose to feel it, no matter what.

Because I know that eventually it passes. That bad emotional signature is just a form of energy that has to pass - to die. Once it does so, I am free again. And the joy that comes after this is immense.

I had such ups and downs several times up until now. I call them the emotional carousel I'm going through.

...

I love music. I listen to it when I'm running. Some tracks just boost my energy to levels that I wasn't even aware of in my previous experience. There are some moments, whilst running, when I feel like everything around me stops. And then an immense build-up of energy follows. In that moment I don't care anymore that I'm tired, that I've been running for 20 minutes already.

Boooom... it explodes. I feel it burning in my arms, abdomen and legs.
It just carries me, and I just watch it, while I run like hell.

...

Here are some tracks that "boost me". I don't care the lyrics are silly, I listen to the energy behind:

Akcent - That's my name

Scotty - Pirates of the carribean (Dave Darell Remix)

Voxis and DJ Andi - To the moon

Geo Da Silva vs DJ Jungle - Far Away

Nick Kamarera & Deepside Deejays - Feeling inside

Edward Maya and Alicia - Stereo Love

Dash Berlin - Till the sky falls down

Spit - Fallin

Paul van Dyk - Let go

Tom Boxer - Dancing

Enjoy.

The Presence Process

2009-05-25T13:56:00.353+03:00

The Presence Process by Michael Brown

The book consists of a set of tools that helped me become more present in my life. They helped me discover why my life had a low quality, and showed me a way to work directly with its cause. Did it work? I don't know.

By seeing things from my point of view, I can say 100% Yes.
The quality of my life's condition has increased a lot.
By seeing things from an external point of view... well... thanks Einstein for Relativity.

This book invited me to start an inner journey, into the depths of my own emotional reality. I accepted the invitation and, unconsciously, took a huge leap towards... something. I never imagined I could ever discover what I did.

I found out that there were countless... things... my Self kept hidden from me. I took a look at them, as they were, and I started to see what they were doing to my life situation. It's no point in naming or explaining, because they have meaning only in my experience. I became aware there were emotions inside of me that I was running away from. And, weird enough, at times they would make me behave as I were a totally different person. I know how this sounds, but stick with me.

Think of the last time you were really angry. How clear was your thinking then? How many times did you do or say something, when angry, only to regret it afterward? Maybe saying something that you knew would hurt a loved one. Maybe saying or doing something that totally messed your chances of success in a situation. The excuse? Probably something like I was not myself or I was not thinking straight then.

I know something like this happened to me, and more than once.

I felt shock at first, then anger, then guilt. Why did I re-act all the time to those feelings, without even realizing it? Up until then, I considered my Self a fairly intelligent person. And I thought a smart person can have everything under control. That, I discovered... was one of the biggest lies I was trying to convince my Self to believe in. Why was I not taught the truth, the real one? Well, now I can tell: nobody around me knew what I had recently uncovered. It was something new and fascinating (for me) and yet, it's been there since time immemorial. But nobody remembered or care about it anymore.

...

If you are reading this and find no meaning... don't worry.
I did not intend to give this post any.
What's happened to me? I do not really understand it.
But I'm seeing things very differently than I used to.
I feel very differently than I used to.
Is this good or bad?
Funny thing... I do not give too much importance on how it is.
It just is.

...

I know I'm on a journey now.
I may act based on reasons that, apparently, only I know and understand.
And yes, they might seem illogical most of the times.
And because of this, it is possible that I might have caused and will cause confusion, hurt and maybe disappointment.
I ask forgiveness for it.
But I invite those who are willing to bypass appearance, to simply be my companions on this ride, and be what they were always meant to be, without changing themselves to accommodate or understand my Self.

Being authentic

2009-05-05T10:45:00.942+03:00

Let's find out what being authentic actually means.
But first, we will consider some possible situations to first describe what its opposite - inauthenticity - is.

Boy likes girl and wants a tender, loving and physical intimacy relationship with her, but she only wants to be friends

You're a boy and you secretly have a crush on a girl. Also, you do not want her to find out. Anyway, she will probably figure it out eventually, because of how you behave in her presence. Your body language, posture and tonality change, and you seek her attention often when you are with her, and get moody when you don't receive it. Women are more aware than men of these subtleties, in general. Call it the sixth sense if you will.

At some point, she will ask you for a favor, just to check what she already suspects. Maybe something innocent like installing Windows on her computer or being her protective friend and go out with her, on a date with another guy she sees as a possible lover, but somehow still doesn't trust enough to be alone with. Deep inside you know that if you do this one little, apparently innocent favor, it will somehow mess things up. You don't have the logical reasons for it, but you ignore this gut feeling, and say yes, just because you do not want to lose what you have together.

What does actually happen? You go on living, thinking that you saved what you have. But as time passes and you do her more favors, your relationship with her moves away from what you actually want it to be: tender loving and physical intimacy, deep into the friends zone.

What about her? Well, she will start to lose respect for you.

Why?

Because, remember, women can sense your real feelings, no matter how well you try to hide them. She will know that you are not being congruent with them, and will conclude that you don't have the guts to act based on what you really feel. You are showing her a facade and she can see it's fake. She does not even have to say it out loud to herself.

She just knows it. You don't have a spine.

As you say yes to most of her favor requests, her respect for you decreases. And when you will eventually have the guts to tell her what you feel, she will hammer you with the famous let's just be friends talk and its ugly cousin let's not lose what we have speech (or similar ones).

Most women do these kinds of things to men. Don't blame or hate them. It's not something consciously done. They test men interested in them to see how they act, re-act and respond. To see if they're authentic. They do it for their own good, so they can learn and grow. This kind of behavior has been emotionally imprinted into them since time immemorial. It is how women filter out the real men from the wussies (wussy = wimp + pussy, in David DeAngelo terminology).

Am I saying don't ever do favors for the girl you like? No. But if that favor forces you to play a role that you do not want to play, or one that changes the dynamics of your relationship with her into something than you don't want it to be, then don't. What I am saying is: do not supplicate all the time to her and do not be the nice guy who is always there to listen to all the drama in her life and the way she is suffering because life is so unjust and the boy she actually likes (and is not you) is such a jerk and is not treating her like a lady, but she irrationally cannot help being attracted to him. Not unless you want to become her best girlfriend.

If you choose to do her a favor, do it because that is what you want, and because you do not expect something in return. If you feel that it makes you into something you are not, stop. Do not be afraid that she might get upset. She will respect you more in time, because she will see you are a centred man. If she gets upset, let her. It's just drama to get attention, which is a good thing, because she is now reacting to you, thus playing by your rules.

Boss asks for overtime in weekend, but you just want to relax and recharge instead

It's Friday morning. Last working day of the week. You're thinking of the great times you will experience in the weekend to come, taking long walks and hot baths, or just sitting on your couch, doing nothing, simply being. Or maybe picking up your favorite book that you did not have time to read during the week. Maybe you promised your loved one to spend time with him or her.

And then at about 12:37 your boss comes up and tells you that you need to do some overtime in the weekend because something must be finished by Sunday evening. If you will say Yes, your whole weekend plan goes Pouf, like a dispersing cloud. What if you say No? Your important position and maybe even your job might be at stake on the next performance review. What is the right choice? I believe most people would say Yes, even if they don't mean it, even if you can see it carved on their faces how hard it is to say Yes to that. They metaphorically step on themselves and voluntarily agree to do something they don't really want to do.

They are being inauthentic.

They don't listen to what they are actually feeling inside.

Am I saying not to work overtime, no matter what? No. But if you don't really want to, be sincere to yourself first. If you have something planned or gave your word to somebody else, honor that word first. Are you afraid that you'll lose your job if you say No? Everybody needs time to recharge after a week's work. After a 2 days break from work, you are actually more creative. If your boss does not know and honor that, then you should think again if you really want to work for such a person.

Somebody asks How are you?

Nowadays every time when someone asks How are you?, we almost automatically reply with something like nice, fine, great, well, not bad and so on. Everything is going so well in the grown-up world. And yet, from where is all the stress, suffering and misery coming, if everything is hunky dory?

Nobody shares their real feelings any more. We are not even expected to share them. On the contrary, an answer similar to those enumerated above is the expected norm. We are actually given a weird look if we start saying something different than that, like I'm sad, I'm bored, I'm anxious, I'm annoyed, I hate everybody today and so on. Because we care too much of what others think of us, we want to avoid that, so we do not express ourselves, what we really feel inside. Though apparently not a significant thing, we act inauthentic each time we give an automated answer. We lie, first to ourselves, and second to our peers. What's the big deal you say?

Well... how do you feel afterwards? You know what you said was not right but you do not care. What does this do to the trust you have (or should have) in yourself and your own abilities? Second, what does this do to other people's trust in you? This can grow into a habit quite fast and you can unconsciously start applying it to other situations in your life, where being authentic actually matters more...

So, to draw the first line, being authentic means being true to your real feelings and your real thoughts, by acting based on them, despite what others might think of you, your actions, your outcome.

It means having a spine.

It means saying Yes when you mean Yes and No when you mean No.

It means nurturing your trust in your own self and in your own abilities to make it.

I'm not saying that if now you feel you have to set fire to a bar then you must be authentic and just do it. Use common sense and don't hurt others.

Is it easy to be authentic? Definitely no. From childhood, we are educated into inauthenticity. This is the rite of passage to becoming an adult. When we are born into this world we are given a tremendous gift. As a child, we are spontaneous, creative, funny, happy, sincere. We are pure energy in motion. We are like a flow of emotions without boundaries. Metaphorically, we are like water in motion.

Every time you are not true to yourself, when you say No instead of Yes and Yes instead of No, there is a part in your subconscious that loses trust in you. That part is just like the child you once were, and he wants you to again be unbound, free, spontaneous, creative and sincere. In other words, he wants you to love your life. It's your inner child that does not know how and would never want to pretend. It's the voice you've been forced to silence and be ashamed of, in order to become acceptable in society.

Start giving that voice some attention. Listen to it. It's telling you to stop pretending. It's telling you to love your life. It's telling you to let that love flow as it was intended to. It's telling you to create beauty and forget your limitations.

Can you hear it? Listen closer.

But what are the main reasons that prevent us from being authentic?

Thinking too much about what others think of us

We are accustomed to always looking at our neighbour, to see what he's doing, and to comparing ourselves with him (my car is bigger than his but he has more money than me - sounds familiar?). We always seek external validation (our peers' approval) for our actions and we take decisions based on what might bring us more validation. We forget that the only real validation we really need and should follow is the one we give to ourselves. This drives us into inauthentic behaviour.

Caring too much about the outcome of a particular situation

When we care too much about how some situation will end, we become outcome dependent. What happens is that we forget to enjoy the ride, our attention goes into our head, on our thoughts, instead of remaining on the actual situation. When we observe that things do not go the way we want them to, we start emotionally reacting to what is happening, instead of letting it all unfold as it may. In such a case, our behaviour will not be aligned with the actual situation, but will be a re-action. More precisely, a repeated action, just like a track of an old disk, played over and over again. This is not authentic behaviour.

Not listening to what we actually feel inside

We too often ignore what our feelings tell us. We say Yes when we don't mean it. We voluntarily accept to make our life unpleasant by accepting situations that we don't like and don't want to be part of. We make excuses in our head for the decisions taken in such a way, and we don't know how to cope with the feelings of guilt and betrayal to ourselves that come afterwards. This is the price we willingly pay when we refuse to acknowledge that being sincere is our responsibility to ourselves.

Who we think we are

This is the biggest of them all. An entire book could be written on this topic (there are several ones actually), and they could not exhaust it. In our quest for authenticity, our own character might be the biggest obstacle. How many times have you wanted to do or say something fun, but out of character, and heard yourself telling I cannot say or do that because it is not me? The person you think you are stopped you from doing what you wanted, by placing a barrier on the free flow of energy in your life. It was your own ego - the self-made sense of self - that was speaking then.

Bottom line, the main cause of inauthenticity is...

THINKING TOO MUCH

or, going a step further...

PAYING TOO MUCH ATTENTION TO YOUR THOUGHTS

Always on the run

2009-02-20T14:20:00.001+02:00

How often do we bring peace into what we do everyday, no matter what that is?

How many times do we detach from the situation we're in and just feel the calm that is inside each of us, buried beneath all the madness of the moment?

Almost never. We're always on the run. We are never at peace, we're always looking for the next big thing to do. Even when we are allowed to relax, we cannot do it because our mind is always racing somewhere, anywhere but Here and Now. On the intellectual level, it seems reasonable to do so. There are so many unsolved problems you must address and so little time for them... One might say that this is what being human means. We cannot change it... I tend do disagree.
There is so much time wasted in reacting to what is, resisting what is, that no wonder things do not get done in time. If we could focus on only one thing we have to do, and do that well, even if our mind is telling us there are 10240 other ones left to be done, it would make a huge difference.

Imagine doing only one practical thing at a time. It would be of such great quality...

7 books

2009-01-13T16:00:00.269+02:00

This post contains short (and some not so short) descriptions of several books I had read and found to be of great value to myself. I plan to update it in time, as it is not (and probably never will be) final.

A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle

The way I walked through life was accompanied by a constant feeling that something is missing inside, and it prevented me to feel good about myself. No matter how hard I tried to forget or cover up that feeling, it was always there. From time to time, I would get to the point where I forgot about it and allowed myself to be and feel happy. But the feeling of constant lack somehow always managed to come up to the surface again and again.

I heard about Eckhart Tolle from Owen Cook (Real Social Dynamics - google it). I then read Tolle's first book - The Power of Now and found this one after that. And it was powerful. It did not provide a solution to all my problems, but it sure helped me to see why the problems were there in the first place. It helped me see why I could never be happy with the particular mindset I had and why I always lacked something, be it material or intellectual. It showed me how I could bring more peace in my everyday life.

The book blends together psychology, philosophy and spirituality. It might not be appealing to the so-called "logical" people, or to the ones that have a very rigid view of society, of the people around them and of themselves. Those persons will not be ready for what this book has to offer. That is absolutely OK, since probably they haven't suffered enough yet or they are not willing to let their accumulated sufferance go. But be warned, for the people who are ready for it, the change it will bring in their lives will be inevitable and irreversible.

The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis

Besides books for children, like The Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis also wrote short and inspiring stories. In this one he imagines he had died and arrived in Hell. There he embarks on a journey to a place that resembles Heaven, together with several people he does not know. He becomes an observer, listening to the stories of the people he travels with. Each of the storytellers seem to have very good reasons for why they cannot be happy. At the right time, each of them is given the chance to embrace happiness. The observer sees their reaction when happiness is offered to them, and sometimes their final choice. The books is short and it takes only a few hours to read.

The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida

It is very hard for the modern man to admit he has problems in his relationships with women. How could he admit such a thing? Not to others, but to himself mainly? His self-image would suffer greatly if such a belief were to arise in his day-to-day thinking.

The target audience of this book are men, but it can also help women to better understand their partners and why not, every men on this planet - the ones that have a masculine side. Its contents could be a potent help for many of modern society's men. Obviously, for those who have the strength and the courage it takes to admit they could use some helpful guidance. Each men has a purpose in life. But he might not consciously be aware of it, he might just be drifting through life without a destination. What you will find through the pages is that as a man, you can discover your purpose and re-align your decisions and actions to direct yourself towards it. The men searching for a quick-fix of their deep problems - a patch to apply over their wounds, a thin layer to to cover their problems up - will not find it here. Go look somewhere else, this book is not for you!

There are many man who do not understand women. Well.. according to Freud, all of them. Anyway, because of this, they sometimes go the wrong way in their relationships - intimate, friendships or formal. At the same time they are attracted to, fear, and resent the women they interact with. Every woman can make herself attractive to men - she basically just needs to look good. A man cannot help but feel the desire for attractive women. He feels the power she has over him, and most of the times he cannot act as he feels. Social constraints come into play here, and they make a good job in this particular situation. If you do not share the same opinion, just imagine how a society where men are humping women all over the place would look like. Back to the subject - he might get to a point where he resents women in general, and at the same time fears them, deep down inside. Add to the equation the fact that women's emotions make them behave unpredictable, and in addition you obtain a very confused man. These aspects (well, without the men humping women all over the place part, and not limited only to them) are addressed in this book over several chapters, and they are sure worth reading, even if you, as a man do not manifest the behavior above.

Relationships are also influenced by how masculine the man is and how feminine the woman is. In other words, polarity. Some men have a more feminine side, others are very masculine. It's a reality, and you can see it everywhere around you in modern society. If you are looking for reasons why being more masculine is better than being more feminine or why not, the opposite, or which is bad and which good, this book is not for your. Close it, put it back on the shelf and do something else with your time. Deida (the author) talks about how the polarity of one person surprisingly influences the unconscious preferences when choosing a partner. It's not all so random if you get to see things from this point of view.

Another topic touched is what happens when you live up to others' expectations of you and how that affects the quality of your life. The book's subtitle is A spiritual guide to mastering the challenges of women, work and sexual desire. As I expected to find mainly spiritual advice, instead I found it to be very, very practical. As it can probably be seen from how much I've written about this book in comparison to other ones, I personally believe it is a very powerful tool, especially for men that want to get out the confusion modern society creates and start following the road out of it, towards clarity.

I recommend reading this book highly.

Puterea Prezentului de Eckhart Tolle
(en: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle)

This is Eckhart Tolle's first book. I picked it up in a moment when I had no idea what I was going to do with my life and which were the best decisions to take so I could get to a better future situation. The most valuable thing I learned from it was how I could find peace inside of me. No matter how stressful my daily situations were and no matter how much "trouble" occured, I managed to feel at peace and take care of the "trouble" properly.
I learned how my mind works most of the time. I understood why we sometimes crave for things, desperately trying to obtain them, just to get bored with them shortly after we got them. I understood why I was never satisfied with what I had in my life, and why I always thought that I need something else to be fulfilled, but never quite getting it. I became aware of how I was relating to people in my life and also how others related to me. I saw that I was always running away from something. I never stood in one place to enjoy the moment. Gradually, a big A-HA occured in my head as I was reading the book and everything changed. I saw what I was doing to myself and others. I decided to change that.

Fire in the belly by Sam Keen

Sam Keen was a successful author that learned many lessons in his life about manhood, and not just biologically. He wanted to share his experience and knowledge and so he wrote this book. In it, he talks about what MAN meant in the past of mankind, what it means today, and how we can give new meaning to the concept of MAN such that we will have a better world with lesser war between people, and without destroying mankind's cradle - the surrounding nature.

He describes different kinds of man that existed in our history - the hunter / gatherer, the warrior, the economist, and others. Each of these types of men had a purpose and a way of living, that affected directly the society he belonged to, and the natural environment. This book helps us understand why today's society is structured the way it is (patriarchal, conflictual, technological, political, ...), why there were about 5000 wars in the last 2000 years of mankind, what the difficulties of being a man or a woman in modern days are, and more. It even has a personality test at the end.

From the book:

...

The simple truth, which we have conspired to forget during the last century, is that the human species is an integral part of an incomprehensible unity of being in the process of becoming: a single organ in the body of Gaia; a cell through which universal history flows like fluid through a membrane; an Aeolian harp the spirit of life moves like the wind; a character within the dream of God; a citizen within the commonwealth of sentient beings;

...

Bucuria de OSHO
(en: Joy: The happiness that comes from within by OSHO)

[Excerpts from the book, loosely translated]

...

Remember, you are the problem of the world. You are the problem, and as long as you are not fixed, all you can do is make things more complicated. First bring order into your own home, create a universe in there, because now there's only chaos.
Yes, there are problems. There are big problems. Life is hell. There is suffering, there is poverty, there is violence, all sorts of mad things happen, it's true - but still the problem is in the individual's soul. The problems exist because individuals are in chaos. General chaos is only a combined phenomenon: we all poured our share in it.
The world is only a relationship; we are all in a relationship with each other. If I`m insane then you are insane. Our relationship is insane. And this is valid for everybody, we are all insane, this is why the world is an insane place. Adolf Hitler did not appear out of the blue - we created him. The war is not born out of the blue - we are the ones creating it. Our pus emerges to the surface; our chaos settles in. You must start with yourself. Your are the world problem. The first thing is to stop denying your inner world.

...

The mind is always telling you: "do this, be that. Obtain this, obtain that... how else can you be happy if you don't have this? You must have a palace, and then you will be happy". If your happiness is conditioned by something, you will remain unhappy. If you are not happy as you simply are [...] - even with having to work hard, having to accept a small payment, having to live life as a battle [...] - if you cannot be happy like this, besides all the unpleasant aspects, you will never be happy. The man who is not happy without a reason, the one who is not crazy enough to be happy without a reason, will never be happy. He will always find something wrecking his happiness. He will always find that something is missing from him, that he is lacking something.
In life it is not possible to have everything, and even if it would be, you'd never be pleased. This is how the mind works - when you have everything you want, you get bored.

...

The Evangelia is not in the Bible. The Evangelia is in the rivers and the wild howling of the ocean and in the silence of stars. The good news is written everywhere. The entire universe is a message. Decode it. Learn its language. His language is here and now.

...

Personalitate Alfa de Pera Novacovici
(en: Alpha Personality by Pera Novacovici)

It contains great stories you can tell the girl(s) you've just picked up! They'll make them instantly attracted to you if you know how to hook their interest and tell your tale in a slow, confident, cock-sure manner.
Based in part on David DeAngelo's revolutionary dating materials (google his name now), this book is a low-cost, accessible information for the man that wants to start knowing himself better and to show others (girls) his best part(s) (no, not that one).
(No, I'm serious, not that one!) Bottom line, this book makes you want to become better and in control - an alpha, a leader.

Stand still

2008-11-24T14:19:00.003+02:00

I just found a poem that is on the same level with what my mindset happens to be these days, and thought about sharing it with others too:

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

(Lost, by David Wagoner)

The Inner Void

2008-11-11T01:18:00.001+02:00

I'm going to talk about some obvious things. Maybe they are so obvious, that nobody invests time in pointing them out. Take nothing that is written here as a personal matter, because it is not addressed to any particular person.

Each of us have a deep feeling of emptiness within ourselves. A void that we desperately try to fill or cover up with something. Often, we feel that we are not completed. We say to ourselves that we need time to become complete, to be fulfilled. Maybe some of us will not admit to ourselves that we have this feeling. Maybe we are smart enough to come up with pretty good rationalizations that we are complete and we need nothing more. It may be something like „I earn this much, I have that car, I've dated these and those girls”. It might even be something like „I know so much in this area of knowledge, how could I not be complete? I am very intelligent, I must be complete” And still, you feel that emptiness. Just above your solar plexus. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's OK. You will recognize it sooner or later.

Now what do all of us do to cover that void? It depends from person to person. Some of us buy stuff. A new car, for example. I'm not talking about buying a car for its practical purpose, I'm talking about buying a car just for standing out, for being different or special. We might say to ourselves „I am more that all these regular guys, because I have this model X car, and it makes me more”. And you start feeling better because you are „bigger” than others. It makes sense, right? But what happens when you meet someone that has a model Z car, which is obviously better than your car? Let's say it consumes less, goes faster, and its design is way cooler than yours. You feel deflated instantly. Emptiness kicks back in. You are back where you started.

Others will buy clothes. Women tend to do this a lot more than men. It's a fact. Again, I'm not talking about buying them for practical purposes, but for being as special or unique as possible. Add some cool jewels to the formula and you totally stand out from the crowd. And you feel good, because other women look at you with envy and they wish they'd chosen something similar for themselves. You think that maybe they don't have the money for what you've got and suddenly you feel even better. „I must be way better then them because I can afford all of this”. And that feeling goes away for a while. But give it some time. Maybe a couple of days, a week or two. You go out clubbing one night and suddenly realize there's another girl wearing the same outfit. Maybe the same shoes or the same earrings. You are not the only one anymore! There is another person wearing the same outfit that made you special! Well, leaving the complaints and resentments that may arise from this event aside, you feel incomplete again. Maybe you don't even need to see somebody else wearing the same stuff. The initial joy slowly fades away and soon after that, there's that unwanted feeling of emptiness creeping back inside. And again, you start all over.

These are only two examples of "patches for emptiness", but it could be anything that we use to cover up that void. We could easily use for the same purpose how much money we earn, good looks, buying a new computer, buying tons of books, the insatiable accumulation of knowledge ,and the list goes on. How long does that good feeling of "Finally, I'm not empty inside" last? The answer is always not enough.

Did it ever occur to us that we are not the car we're buying? We are not the money we earn, nor the expensive clothes that we show off to the eyes of the world. We are not all the accumulated knowledge that made us so smart. Yes, in the eyes of the world, we are special if we have any or all of these. At least this what we think. Other people envy us, our possessions, our brilliant mind we are so proud of, and it makes us feel good. But did we ever think that we are trying to live up to an illusion? That illusion being the person other people think we are. We're trying to live up to a mental image that we think it exists inside other people's minds. Are we that image?

If any of this makes sense or rings a bell up there, please leave a comment. If you feel offended or strongly disagree with what I said, please leave a comment too.